Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Vera-ly I say unto thee

Do you remember when Vera Bradley purses came out? Females all across the nation went nuts (and bankrupt) over these floral-patterned purses. Except for this female, that is. The first time I ever saw one of these monstrosities, the first thought that flitted into my common-folk brain was, “holy shit, they've turned grandma’s wallpaper into a fashion accessory.”

Even if I did like one of the patterns I sure as hell couldn't afford it. Eventually patterns get retired (with full pension plans) and the prices of those pieces drop dramatically. But, the newly reduced cost is usually still above my spending plane. And lest ye forget – I don’t care for the sight of the products.

Yesterday, a co-worker had emailed out a coupon to a little local gift-shop-type boutique. The coupon was for 25% off your entire purchase. Knowing that this store sold cute novelty items (jewelry, candles, and the like) and it’s close to my work place, I thought why not take a trip there. So, on our lunch break, two co-workers (the infamous Melissa being one, Jennifer being the other) and I headed there for a shopping extravagance.

The store was small and tightly packed. You’re forced to take small, Geisha-like steps to scoot around different display cases and racks of baubles surrounded with ribbons. If you speak above a breathy whisper, the sales ladies glare at you disapprovingly. At one point I was just using hand signals – some mix of sign language and gang signs - with Jennifer and I think I moved the air too roughly because the librarianclerk cocked a haughty eyebrow my way.

At the back of store, there was a large section of Vera Bradley merchandise. For kicks and giggles, I decided to check out this area and see what ridiculous patterns were hip nowadays and what type of items I could get said pattern on. Good lord, pencils? I can buy a pack of 10 Vera Bradley pencils and that’ll only cost me $15?  Oh my god, just buy a pack of #2 pencils (you can buy 100 of those for, like, $1.00) and then paint a design on them yourself. Way cheaper. And probably way better looking too.

Melissa, intrigued by my snorting laughter (silent snooty sales ladies be damned), eventually wandered over to me to see what had captivated my attention.

“Look at this wallet,” I cried out to her.

Melissa stammers, “What the hell? It looks like... a... jungle...”

Both of us at the same time, “threw up!” (Great minds and all that jazz). And, no, I can’t make this stuff up. A jungle that threw up is exactly the best way to describe the design on this wallet (and the matching bag and matching luggage tag and matching chastity belt).

The two of us continued to make fun of some of the other patterns, before realizing that we needed to head out soon to get back to work on time. We found Jennifer, who had found a goody for herself. We all trooped to the checkout counter. While there, we noticed a display of Vera Bradley Iphone cases. As the cashier rang up Jennifer’s purchase, we flipped through the cases. I actually saw one with a design that wasn't grotesque. That case was sitting next to one that was. Jennifer noticed that the price tag on the ok one was more expensive than the Quasimodo one. Jennifer mused out loud, “I wonder why this one costs less” My reply, “because it’s uglier.”

The sales lady didn't appreciate that one. In the snootiest tone she could conjure (seriously, I felt a cold draft blow by), she informed us that the cases “are different types” – one’s a hard case. One’s a soft case. One’s made out of children’s skin. One’s made out of unicorn horns.

Really? Your name tag doesn't say, “Hello my name is Vera.” So, don’t act all high and mighty like you had a personal hand in creating this “artwork”... which resembles a cat’s uncleaned litter box.

With all that being said, would you believe I actually found a pattern today that I really like? Don’t worry, I didn't buy the purse (even though it was a great size and had a wonderful amount of pouches). Even with my 25% off coupon, the price on that bag was still more than 2/3 my annual salary.


  1. Whether you believe me or not this comment is not because o have to ( i.e. because you're my wife) but because that was freaking Hilarious!!! Thanks boo I so needed that to finish my dumb ass day off with. This is. Just another reason why we fit together so well. You are my unfiltered voice while I am your voice of reason. Love ya boo!

    1. I'm glad I was able to make your day a bit better!

  2. I agree with Jason, and if you go back there can you grab me the children's skin one?

    1. I will definitely get you a couple of the children's skin ones - just in case one gets messed up, you'll have a back up.